Just catching up Ailsa. Gosh what a few weeks you been having , just to say good luck for your operation and I trust your Dad
Keeps off the bottle. Oh and first anniversary are awful, thinking of you

Rose x

Hi gogs - sorry.... thankfully fewer disasters here but busy!

The drains, car and heating are sorted. I'm trying to get all my classes sorted to hand over to supply staff as I'll be having my toes op on 15th April and have been told I will be off for 6 weeks. Much as I'm dreading it - I've never had an op or anything before - the thought of a whole half term off is not unpleasant!! My ESR is over 100 again and CRP 30 so I'm trying to limp to the end of term.

Sorry for being out of touch - I have logged in and read but I'm feeling so sad without my Mum. This is the first mother's day without her and it is her birthday on 6th April, the day she died last year. The memories of this time last year are so powerful at the moment. It keeps taking my breath away. I know it will probably be lots easier having done everything once but part of me wants to go back and just have that last precious week with her again. I'm going to do a big family lunch next Sunday - the children are calling it Nanna Day - as I won't be up to much at the Easter weekend. I'm trying to be positive about it all but it's hard to go back to being so tearful again.

My closest friend has a beautiful garden and has bought the most perfect lilac rosebush to plant in memory of Mum. We are going to plant it later today and light candles for Earth Hour. It makes me smile because I can hear Mum saying "What a load of nonsense!", but it feels like a nice thing to do.

Hopefully I will be a bit better at staying in touch once I get the next week over with. I will have no excuse once I am sitting with foot aloft! Thankyou everyone for your support over the last few weeks. I really have appreciated it. Much love xx Ailsa

Dear Ailsa,

What a difficult time you are experiencing. A year since the death of your mother is no time at all.
I'm so sorry for your sadness. I know from personal experience how strange it is that life goes on, people get up in the morning and go to work.
There is still day and night, season's, life - we wonder how things can be the same when for us it has changed so dramatically. Yet we keep going on
even though our lives have changed and we wonder how that can be, but remember, while you live, your mother lives on in your heart and memories.

Grief affects us all in different ways, there is no one way to grieve, no time limit on it, it is truly an individual journey that we all make at some time in our lives,
and if we're lucky we get help along the way, occasionally we are unfortunate in meeting people who don't really help, those we let go of and remember only
those who have helped us.

I love the idea of a 'Nanna Day' something you as a family can share in each year, an the lilac rose bush is just perfect.
I think I would have liked your mother (what a load of nonsense), she sounded as if she was 'grounded', none of this silly stuff for her.

Please accept my very best wishes.

Gogs

Dear Ailsa,

Grief is just as you describe it, and the reason you feel you are back to square one is because your emotions have not yet finished
with that part - that is very normal. You've heard the saying - 'going round in circles', that's what it is and that's why we do it. Until our
psyche has resolved it's issues it will continue to go round in circles - you must learn to accept it, try to find out what message it trying to give you, and don't fight it.

If you want to read then can I suggest Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, she is an authority on death and dying and has written many books all eminently readable.
Be kind to yourself, treat yourself as you would treat any other person grieving, consider 'Cruse' if you really don't feel able to manage.

You have got through the first year, hard by any standards. You ask ' how do we live without our mother's?', we do, and you have for the past year.
Keeping busy may be your way but can I suggest that you spend half an hour or so just thinking about her, remembering, if you cry that's only good because
releasing all that bottled up despair will help you.

You are in my thoughts.

Gogs

Hi ailsa , just read your post and just to say a year is nothing , my mum passed away on mother's day 9 years ago so mother's day always brings it back , she has no grave or memorial at her request so we visit my partner's mum's grave and take some flowers for them both , and we both shed a tear , but now usually I just remember her and all the daft things she said or did and smile , it does get better. it's ok to be sad , thinking about you and all the mum's x

Good to hear you've found some of your incredible coping skills again.
Do share though if you feel down - please don't keep it to yourself.

Gogs

Does that mean you'll be able to join the 'Corp de Ballet' again?

Good luck Ailsa with your op and so very glad to hear you have been able to cope with recent events.

Gogs